illness mustn’t or needn’t be diagnosed
Recently had a shock state, induced maybe by threats of contact with family, too much sun, too little and disordered sleep, constant fear and too much responsibility, wrong diet and nervous eating.
I was so shocked that I could not move and simultaneously I felt like I could attack someone who touched me wrongly.
It was the most horrible nightmare by daylight I ever had.
Police came and blessing from my spirit hey didn’t interfere, just waited an hour and talked silently with the landlady.
They tried to send me to hospital by a cab but I have already experience of making cab driver mad and getting out in middle of the road.
Ambulance. I panic when thinking of being left alone in ambulance car, freaking out at the idea that driver could die and car would move on straight and killing people and subsequently me too.
Talking nice to ambulance man, asking to stay, he teach me to breath calmly…..
When turning downhill I feared that I turned gravity and taking all with me into a hole.
Finally in hospital fearing that I hurt someone and finally that I would hurt all and left alone in hospital unable to move coordinatedly and attack machines, being attacked by machines, get caught in some fight.
Blessed nurses accepted that I could not say what hurt.
I was put to bed.
When I woke up I had again fear.
I tried to switch off sounds, vision.
Pain went away, very patient and lovely ambulance took me to psych ward.
Realizing I am the reason and the cause of all pain. I need to rest, and calm. Absolutely no need for labels.
Getting minimal doses of meds. Figuring it out.